Wednesday, February 01, 2006

'Might as well face it ...'

We're addicted to oil.
Everybody's blogging the State of the Union Address, so what the heck, I'll pile on.

If I had wanted a president who would declare war on the internal combustion engine ... hey, we had that option back in 2000, remember? So I was kind of surprised to hear this last night:

We must also change how we power our automobiles. We will increase our research in better batteries for hybrid and electric cars and in pollution-free cars that run on hydrogen. We will also fund additional research in cutting-edge methods of producing ethanol, not just from corn but from wood chips, stalks or switch grass. Our goal is to make this new kind of ethanol practical and competitive within six years. Breakthroughs on this and other new technologies will help us reach another great goal -- to replace more than 75 percent of our oil imports from the Middle East by 2025. By applying the talent and technology of America, this country can dramatically improve our environment, move beyond a petroleum-based economy ...

I know how the left fumes and rants about getting sold out by the Dem leadership, but sometimes Bush makes me feel the way Taggart (Slim Pickens) felt when he encountered the Gov. William J. Le Petomane Thruway: "Aw, [expletive]! What's that [expletive] gone and done this time?"

This [expletive] about moving "beyond a petroleum-based economy" with "pollution-free cars that run on hydrogen" is right up there with the Amnesty That Dare Not Speak Its Name among the all-time "What Was Karl Rove Smoking?" moments of the Bush era.

I'm not a genius political strategist or an energy expert, but let me spell out my Three-Point Plan for American Energy Independence:


Drill ANWR. Drill the Gulf Coast. Drill the Pacific Coast. If petroleum is discovered under the White House or Mt. Rushmore, drill that, too. Here a drill, there a drill, everywhere a drill drill.

"Simplistic," you say? OK, let me add some "nuance" to the plan: Ask the Energy Department to locate the home addresses of the wealthiest celebrity opponents of the Iraq war, and build nuclear energy plants next door to their mansions. I want to see Sean Penn and Susan Sarandon glowing in the dark, baby.

So, instead of passing out bolo paddles to the boys, I suggest Gov. LePetomane hand out some "I Drill ANWR" Classic Thongs:

Otherwise, somebody's gonna have to go back and get a [large quantity] of dimes.

We have to think about our phony-baloney jobs, gentlemen!