The redneck jihad is on!
We interrupt this blog to bring you the following fatwa ...
MIKE HELTON MUST DIE!
The traitor and infidel who has somehow become president of NASCAR, speaking at a Capitol Hill news conference about the race circuit's "diversity" efforts (the Charlotte Observer, with hat tip to Derb in the Corner) said:
"We believe strongly that the old Southeastern redneck heritage that we had is no longer in existence."
The streets will flow with the blood of the non-believer! This is a monstrous insult to the very people who made NASCAR great -- Junior Johnson, Richard Petty, Bill Elliot, Dale Earnhart.
If rednecks were Muslims, the offices of the Charlotte Observer would have been firebombed for printing such blasphemy to the Prophet (a/k/a No. 3). Mike Helton would now be hiding in exile somewhere (Vermont?) while mobs of Bubbas burned him in effigy in the streets of Dalton, Sylacauga and Franklin.
It's been a while since I've been to a race -- did I miss something? I mean, is the infield at Talladega now filled with yuppies sipping merlot, munching on watercress sandwiches and discussing what kind of moisturizer Jeff Gordon uses? The redneck heritage is "no longer in existence," my butt! You notice Mike Helton didn't make his prissy little "diversity" announcement in Bristol or Martinsburg.
Assuming that they're too busy at their day jobs to organize a tar-and-feathers party for Helton, real racing fans should boycott NASCAR until it fires that pretentious a--hole. What if they had a NASCAR race and the rednecks stayed home? Let Helton have his "diversity" -- an infield with nobody in it, except maybe half a dozen "Gay for Gordon" fans.
We now return you to the regularly-scheduled mean-spirited partisanship ....