Sunday, March 19, 2006

Ruined by remakes

OK, you're a Hollyweird studio executive trying to figure out a sure-fire winner that will make enough profit so you can also afford to produce highbrow Oscar-bait about gay cowboys, racism and neocon imperialism. What do you do?

Remake an old Disney flick! Parents and grandparents who remember the movie from their childhood will take their kids to see it. The recognizable title and wholesome image makes it a pre-sold product for the cineplex, the Blockbuster rental biz and DVD sales.

But this is Hollyweird. You can't just re-make the original movie with new actors, contemporary costumes and settings, and improved special effects. No, you've got to re-draft the script, and update it to include fart jokes, divorced parents, age-inappopriate double-entendres, and ... evil pharmaceutical companies?

I kid you not. According to David French, the guys who scripted the remake of the "Shaggy Dog" apparently thought they were writing "The Constant Gardener":

The villain: A pharmaceutical company engaging in animal testing.
The clueless dad: A lawyer prosecuting an alleged animal rights terrorist for burning an animal testing lab (he's framed, of course).
The daughter: Animal rights activist who lies down in protest in front of the clinic. ...

In the end, of course, the heroic daughter enlightens "clueless Dad" who learns that animals are "just like us." Yuck.

French has an idea for his own movie, in which the family "disrupts a PETA protest and then walks hand in hand to a gun range for some good family time." He also mentions that the "Shaggy Dog" is from Tibet and thus is "very wise" as Buddhism-crazed Hollyweird reckons such things, but French says: "In my movie, the dog will come from Alabama."

Heh. Go read the whole thing.

So, who is David French? Former president of FIRE and a lawyer with the Alliance Defense Fund. Townhall columnist Mike Adams has named French as a Supreme Court justice in his shadow presidency.

As far as I'm concerned, "the dog will come from Alabama" is qualification enough to put French on the court. But as the ranking Libertarian on the Senate Judiciary Committee -- remember, in a shadow universe, all things are possible -- I have a couple of questions for the nominee:

1. Mr. French, according to a Reuters news article, in 2006 you supported Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney for president. Can you explain why, despite this fundamental failure of political insight, you were nominated to the Supreme Court by President George Allen?

2. What kind of wussy blogs on his wife's site?

Sure, Instapundit's wife has her own blog, and that's OK. But you don't see Glenn blogging there, do you? No. And why not? Because Glenn is a real All-American, red-blooded, right-wing he-man, that's why. Real men don't blog with girls because ...

Oh. Wait a minute. ...

Never mind.

-- McCAIN

UPDATE 3/22: I got a note from Nancy French, who reports: "Donkey Cons insinuated that David was not a real man for writing something that ended up on his wife's blog, an accusation that has upset David so much that he had to take a break from his needlepointing." LOL!

Nancy, tell him to put on his apron and bake some cookies -- he'll feel so much better.

Seriously, David seems to be a fine, manly man, and Nancy has a book of her own due out soon, an essay collection (envy alert!) called A Red State of Mind.

I hope to meet the Frenches when I get down to Tennessee sometime in the next few months. You see, I'm planning to do my 2006 Fourth of July fireworks extravaganza in Alabama this year, and there's a couple of fireworks dealers in Tennessee I need to visit.

Here's the last 2 minutes of my 2005 fireworks show. (WMV format; right-click and "Save Target As ..." to download.)

DONKEY CONS: Buy it
DONKEY CONS: Buy TWO!
DONKEY CONS: About book