Sunday, May 07, 2006

Blogosphere Update 5-8

We keep meaning to bring back Donkey Cons HEADLINE UPDATETM with Tonto, Tarzan and Frankenstein, but things always seem to go wrong. Tonto's old lady took him out of town to visit her mother, Tarzan's cramming for his Monday final exam, and Frankenstein keeps mumbling something about Ambien, so .... We're going to have to use complete sentences as we stroll around the Internet:

Fairly Unbalanced: We Hate, You Decide!
OK, let's have a televised debate on English-only laws between a Republican senator and a libertarian editor. And then, let viewers heap their unhinged ad-hominems on the libertarian. I always figured him for a Mick, but I had no idea Gillespie was also a "*&^%&&^% WOP"!
(Tuesday headline: "Blogger denies anti-Italian bigotry"; Wednesday headline: "Blogger apologizes for anti-Italian slur"; Thursday headline: "Italian-hating blogger resigns.")

Don't Tell His Parents
I would share my favorite Jonah Goldberg libertarian joke here, but somehow it doesn't seem right. (Tuesday headline: "Goldberg denies homophobia"; Wednesday headline: "Sanchez denies anti-Semitism"; Thursday headline: "Gillespie insists 'just friends' with Goldberg.") However, I remain adamant in my contention that we should deport Senate Republicans.

Speeding? No, I Was Qualifying ...
Enough with the silly inside jokes. Pass the Ambien and let's get serious: NASCAR!

A few days ago, having recently returned from seeing old friends in Georgia and Alabama, I did some NASCAR blogging. My point: Real people care about things other than politics. I had just gotten an e-mail about Talladega, and gotten a phone call from my brother. So I Googled up a couple of NASCAR fanblogs, threw in a joke about my friend David French, and stole a joke from my brother, who said he was thinking about changing his name to Lopez so he could get May 1 off to go to the race.

Between the inside jokes, the self-deprecating redneck humor, and spelling Jimmie Johnson's name wrong, one NASCAR fan seems to have gotten the idea I was making fun of him. Just to clear things up: No, Rusty, I think NASCAR's great. It's Washington, D.C., that sucks.
(Tuesday headline: "Mayor demands apology"; Wednesday headline: "Blogger denies NASCAR conflict of interest"; Thursday headline: "Jimmie Johnson insists 'just friends' with Gillespie.")

Ambien! Ambien!
OK, so I was cracking Ambien jokes all day Sunday. After about the 14th joke, a co-worker said she'd once taken Ambien and found herself walking around Greenwich Village in her underwear. An hour and 138 jokes later, another co-worker said: "You're addicted to Ambien jokes." I laughed so hard it hurt. Took three Oxycontin for the pain. I'm a helpless victim. But Oprah still hasn't returned my calls.
(Tuesday headline: "Drugmaker sues blogger"; Wednesday headline: "Blogger enters Mayo for rehab"; Thursday headline: "Oprah insists 'just friends' with Sen. Alexander.")

Ibogaine! Ibogaine!
Let us pause for a moment to remember another notorious Democratic drug addict, Big Ed:

I immediately recognized The Ibogaine Effect -- from Muskie's tearful breakdown on the flatbed truck in New Hampshire, the delusions and altered thinking that characterized his campaign in Florida, and finally the condition of "total rage" that gripped him in Wisconsin.

There was no doubt about it: The Man from Maine had turned to massive doses of Ibogaine as a last resort. The only remaining question was "when did he start?" ...

When the Boohoo began grabbing at his legs and screaming for more gin, Big Ed went all to pieces . . . which gave rise to speculation. among reporters familiar with his campaign style in '68 and '70, that Muskie was not himself.
My lawyer is Samoan, by the way. He doesn't look Samoan, but don't let that fool you.
(Tuesday headline: "Blogger denies Ibogaine connection"; Wednesday headline: "Muskie heirs sue Thompson estate"; Thursday headline: "Lawyer insists 'just friends' with LeTourneau.")

Speaking of Jokes ...
Keith Olbermann was the subject of one of my recent blog posts. After taking a couple of Ambien, I went to sleep and do not remember doing a Google search for other bloggers' comments on the MoveOn/Olbermann axis. But Capitol Police say that I rammed into a site called "Drinking With Keith Olbermann." According to a waitress at the Hawk & Dove, I then (allegedly) referred to the proprietess of that site as "some sort of academic, with writer's block, who's all crushy on Keith." This prompted the proprietess to respond with a lengthy dissertation on "the tyranny of the majority," to wit:
Any sort of vindication to be found in numbers is based entirely on the premise that the majority is correct. Just because Bill O’Reilly has approximately five times as many viewers as Countdown does not make those 1.7 million extra people right.
This is true, and Bill's eyes aren't as sexy as Keith's, either. Still, I take pride in having provoked a denunciation of majoritarianism from Aleksandra who — j'accuse! — is a partisan of the Democratic Party. ("Al Gore" + "popular vote" + Florida; "John Kerry" + Ohio + recount) And glad to have helped with that writer's block, sweetheart.

But Aleksandra: Sometimes I'm only making jokes. Not necessarily funny jokes, but still, only jokes. If I amuse no one else (and, looking at the Site Meter the last few hours, that's just barely a hypothetical), I amuse myself. So I guess Keith and I have something in common besides our disproportionately large feet. I'm 5-9 and wear size 11 ... E.
(Tuesday headline: "Blogger mobbed by lovesick libertarians"; Wednesday headline: "Sen. Specter fights deportation effort"; Thursday headline: "Olbermann insists 'just friends' with Aleksandra.")

About That Anthem, Nick
Bet you really would have gotten Lamar(!) agitated if you'd brought up Francis Scott Key's membership in the American Colonization Society. Other FSK trivia:
  • In Frederick, Md., where Key is buried in Mt. Olivet Cemetery, there's the Francis Scott Key Mall, and the local minor-league baseball team is named the Keys.
  • Some Marylanders, including some Frederick residents, derisively call the town "Fredneck."
  • F. Scott Fitzgerald's full name was Francis Scott Key Fitzgerald; he was named for Key, a distant relative.
  • Fitzgerald's wife, Zelda was a native of Montgomery, Ala.
  • When visiting my cousins in Montgomery, my family and I once stayed in a motel on Zelda Road, which is named for Mrs. Fitzgerald.
  • Before going on their infamous 2002 shooting rampage in Washington, D.C., the Beltway Snipers first robbed a clerk at a liquor store on Zelda Road, across from the motel where we had stayed, and not far from my cousin's house.
  • F. Scott Fitzgerald had wished to be buried beside his parents in the cemetery at St. Mary's Catholic Church in Rockville, Md.; this the Church denied, and Fitzgerald's remains spent about 40 years in a cemetery across the road, but in the 1980s, the Church changed its mind.
So much for "infallibility."
(Tuesday headline: "Blogger denies anti-Catholic bias"; Wednesday headline: "Mall demands apology." Thursday headline: "Sen. Specter insists 'just friends' with Goldberg.")

OK, enough blogging for one night. I'll just take some Ambien and go for a drive ...

Honest, folks: I can quit anytime I want. I swear.

-- McCAIN

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