Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Ralph Reed = ham sandwich

"You can indict a ham sandwich," defense attorneys like to say, and that's a point that Republicans in Georgia must think about as they step in the voting booth for the July 18 primary.

Whenever the subject of the Abramoff investigation has been raised, Ralph Reed's campaign has stuck to its talking points:
  • Reed has not been charged with a crime.
  • Reed is not under investigation.
  • Reed did not know that the millions he got from Abramoff were from casino interests.
  • Anything that seems to contradict Reed's version of the story is a smear made up by the liberal media.
  • Reed is very sorry, even though he didn't do anything bad, but he promises never, never ever to do anything bad again. Scout's honor! Honest Injun!
But ... wait. While the Democratic Party has suffered tremendous statewide setbacks in Georgia over the past 15 years, the party can still elect officials at the local level in areas where the party's strength remains.
Among such Democratic local officials in Georgia are dozens of sheriffs, judges and, perhaps most importantly, district attorneys.
A good district attorney can almost always get an indictment, if he wants to indict somebody bad enough. A good D.A. has lots of friends, and if he's got friends on the grand jury -- which, of course, he does -- they can help sway the votes of the other grand jurors when the question of indictment comes up for a vote.
(Ever heard of Ronnie Earle?)
So picture a Democratic stronghold in Georgia -- Fulton County? -- and picture the district attorney's office.
Look there, on his desk. What's that?
Why, it's a thick file folder bursting at the seams: Lots of newspaper articles, FEC records, a copy of the Senate report on the Abramoff affair, etc., etc.
But look, there's another folder, too. It's from the Georgia Department of Revenue, and it's got about seven or eight years' worth of Ralph's tax records. And there's another folder with Ralph's bank records.
See, there is this thing called a "subpoena," boys and girls, and when a district attorney gets hungry for a ham sandwich, he can always get his good friend the judge to let him subpoena records.
And what else do we see on our loyal Democratic D.A.'s desk? Why, it's several volumes of Georgia statutes and case law! Let's see: Fraud, conspiracy, money laundering, banking laws, forgery, tax evasion ...
Tsk, tsk, you nasty Democrat D.A.!
What you've got there on your desk ... why, it's a fire hazard, is what it is! What if all those newspaper clippings were to catch fire? They could start a big bonfire -- big enough to burn a witch!
Wonder which witch our friend the Democrat D.A. wants to burn? Well, he might have to get himself a witch hunt to find one.
Let's see, who will help him with his witch hunt?
I know! His good friends on the grand jury!
And you know when the best season is for a witch hunt? C'mon, guess.
That's right! October is witch season in Georgia -- a couple of weeks before Halloween is a good time to hunt for witches. And ... guess what?
That's right! (Oh, you are so smart!) Right after Halloween this year is another big holiday, even bigger and scarier than Halloween. It's called Election Day, boys and girls.
How do they celebrate Election Day in Georgia? With parties. There is a Democrat party and a Republican party.
And what happens in Democratic districts on Election Day? The dead rise from their graves and vote for Democrats! (That's why it's so scary!)
But pity poor Ralph the Witch. Even if he's as clean as a whistle, as pure as the driven snow, he can't get elected in Georgia on Election Day. Dead Democrats don't vote for Republicans, and even some Republicans won't vote for Ralph after that mean old witch-hunting district attorney does his thing.

Think about it, boys and girls. Ralph Reed may be a Good Witch or a Bad Witch, but if a Democrat D.A. wants to take him down before Election Day, we know what kind of witch he'll be:
A ham sand-witch.

Gee, and isn't it funny what how those greedy trial lawyers are always so eager to help Democrats?