Wednesday, July 12, 2006

The sexiest blogger?

I'm often asked: Who do you think is the sexiest blogger?

Frankly, I can't answer this question. At least not for the record. In terms of female bloggers, the totally hottest one ... well, she's married. And I'm married, too. So it would simply be uncouth, unchivalrous and un-Christian for me to answer this question.

I also have a problem in judging the sexiest male blogger category -- but not the problem you think.

Despite being notoriously heterosexual (married nearly 20 years, 6 children), I am actually a pretty good judge of men's looks. I'm comfortable saying that, since I am merely observing an objective fact: Men are good-looking, or are not.

No erotic desire is implied if I say, for instance, "I totally understand why chicks went wild for Joe Namath. If I was a chick, I would too." Also, Patrick Swayze: That guy could probably make Rosie O'Donnell go straight and praise Jesus, y'know? (Admit it, Rosie!)

See? Objective facts. It's just like me saying, "Vilmar's latest Chick of the Week is a total hottie ... but not quite as hot as Week #7." This doesn't mean that I would betray my wife or anything like that (stop spamming me, Estella, it's no use begging). I am merely observing and analyzing aesthetic criteria, OK?

So being able to judge male looks is not the problem that disqualifies me from declaring who the sexiest male blogger is. The problem is this: I know the guy personally, and there might be certain ethical problems.

Josh just added Donkey Cons to his blogroll. And so, by identifying Josh as the sexiest guy in the blogosphere, it might hurt the feelings of my blog buddies like Ace, Dan Riehl, Don Surber and Rob Huddleston. Those guys have been kind enough to link me, and I don't want to offend them when I tell all you lonely ladies: Josh has got it going on.

It's an ethical dilemma, you see. But in my totally fair, objective and neutral way, let me tell you ladies about Josh: The boy's got this total babyface thing happening, and these big ol' puppy-dog eyes. If the blogosphere were Tiger Beat in 1974, Josh would be Leif Garrett. Or maybe even Shaun Cassidy.

This fall, he will start his senior year at college, but Josh looks so doggone young ... Let me put it this way: If Debra Lefave or Pamela Rogers ever makes a jailbreak, Josh might need police protection.

Josh is also a fine, upstanding, Christian conservative guy from Alabama. So in addition to the babyface thing, he's also very polite and charming in an aw-shucks, Southern gentleman kind of way.

Did I mention that Josh loves Ann Coulter? I don't mean raw, carnal lust -- at least, not merely that. (He's only human.) No, Josh also seems to admire Miss Coulter the way only a future conservative journalist could admire her. Thoughtfully. Respectfully. Yea, almost reverently.

Anyway, Miss Coulter, if you've ever wanted to enjoy the frisson of a Mrs. Robinson-type fantasy -- guilty pleasure, minus the guilt -- you really need to bookmark Josh's blog. He's young, he's cute, he's conservative and (lucky you) he's totally legal.

But you need to hurry, Miss Coulter: This town is crawling with shameless "skinterns" who, as one of them confesses:
[W]ear plunging necklines and short skirts to work. ... [T]hey wear outfits to work that make their bosses' jaws drop.
Interns! We know what an intern did to Bill Clinton. Don't let them get to Josh.

By the way, Miss Coulter: The last sentence of your latest column was brilliant. Julius and Ethel are now what I call "good Communists."

And one more thing: Even though he lost out to Josh on the "sexiest blogger" title, Don Surber also greatly admires you.